Without agenda, she asked What
do you want?
Being caught off guard by the unadorned question,
I found myself atypically at a loss for words.
Tentatively, I began
I want…
I paused.
My voice trailed into a whisper,
a croak,
then nothing.
Minutes passed.
I heard the second hand tick on the wall clock.
My mind raced through desires spanning decades,
life-long wishes tangled in my hair,
clouds blurred the vision of my cravings.
My yearning overwhelmed me
I wept.
I wept for too many years of unmet needs.
I wept for the many times I accepted far too little.
I wept for the young girl and grown woman
who had desired so much and yet believed she deserved so little.
I wept for a tidal wave of needs washing into the black hole of wanting
left in the wake of my life.
I wept and wept until a sea of saltwater formed around me and
I found myself floating, looking at a cloudless, cornflower blue sky.
I want…
but the now-familiar pause bubbled up in my throat,
caught there, conspiring to silence me again.
Reaching out and, ever so gently, I untangled a wish from my
hair.
As I held it up so I could see, saltwater dripped on my lips
and I found my voice.
Speaking quietly at first, I began:
I want to feel safe.
I want trust and knowing and proximity.
I want to be wanted.
My voice shaking less, I continued:
I want to know I am wanted.
I want sex and fucking and intimacy, sometimes all at once.
I want to be strong enough to be vulnerable.
My voice clear now:
I want to love and be present in my body.
I want to know my needs are as important as anyone else’s.
I want to want and even allow myself to expect.
Bit by bit, the sun evaporated the sea from around me and
I spoke on and on and on of a lifetime of wants I’d never dared
articulate.
Hours passed and I became silent once more.
The sea had become shallow enough for me to stand,
and as the warm sun dried my body,
and as the warm sun dried my body,
I sparkled with the salt crystals left behind.
~ Mk Michaels, 2015
