Connoisseur

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. ~ Kahlil Gibran

Over the past couple years, I have had what seems to be far more than my share of loss, loss in the many forms it can take. Although some forms are obvious; death, the end of a relationship, losing a beloved pet, what may feel like loss doesn't always look like loss; new chapters in life which ended an era, transformations, children growing into themselves, change which required letting go of the old to make room for the new, and so on. Each loss, obvious or not, was in one way or another something dear to me for it is only that which mattered in its presence in my life that continues to matter in its absence.  In this, I suppose,  having so much I cared about is a very good 'problem' to have.  

On a related note, in the course of this, many a tear has been shed, so many that I have become quite the connoisseur of tissues. Puffs plus with lotion, now that's the good stuff. ~ Mk Michaels

A tanka ~ the stories you tell to save face

Are you telling folks
I betrayed you? Is that it?
It is laughable.
Anyone who knows me, saw
me fall into you.  All in.

~ Mk Michaels, 2015

Quitting the Game

I don't play games anymore,
so don't try to play them with me.
Monopoly, Risk, Trouble
do not appeal to me
in the least
so don't even bring them out,
their tattered boxes
duct tape holding the corners together,
for I won't play them with you.

~ Mk Michaels, 2015

An Open Letter to Mean Girls

 

 

Dear Mean Girls,

 

Please don’t look around the room as if you don’t know who I am addressing.  I am addressing you.  Yes, you.  Don’t worry though; this is not an attack.  I know you are wired to expect the worst of people and, therefore, when someone calls you out, you go on the defensive initially and, in short order, on the attack.  That’s your mode and it must be exhausting.  I am so sorry for the bone-crunching exhaustion you must live in.

 

When I was younger my mother always told me that bullies were really afraid just underneath their bully surface.  Being a well-behaved child, I took this as gospel.  As an adult, I still believe this to be true.  I have been in close proximity to more than one mean girl and have lived to tell.  I have experienced mean girls up close and personal and learned a bit more about what makes them tick.  Although I have had periods of hurt, anger, and even rage at the acts inflicted on me by both individuals and the collective group of mean girls, in trying to find forgiveness for those who harmed me because that is the only way they know, I have had an epiphany.  Mean girls, I want to share this with you in the hopes that if even one of you can hear it and find a less destructive to move through life the sharing will have been worthwhile.

 

Destruction?  It may seem a strong word, but turn around and take a good look at the wake you leave behind you.  Failed relationships.  Family members who relate to you as much out of fear as familial love.  Faux friendships which only skim the surface and don’t come anywhere close to resembling a true and trusted alliance.  A string of people you have maligned, harmed, and cut out of your life not because they were dreadful and wretched to you as is likely the story you tell yourself and others, rather people you have carved out of your world because they had the courage to stand up to you, if only in a moment.  You have a million acquaintances, fair-weather friends, but few, if any, actual soul friends.  You keep it light, close to the surface, and cannot go very deep in your relationships for one main reason; fear.

 

This is where I am going to speak out and name something that will probably offend you.  I am going to call out a dynamic in your life that you will likely want to and may very well be able to dismiss entirely.  It is my hope that even just one of you mean girls will pause for a moment and consider what I am about to say, for it is your story.  It is your truth.  It is your ticket to a life which is richer and fuller than any you can possibly imagine from your fear-bunker.  It is your path to a life which includes deep and meaningful relationships with people whose motivations and agendas you no longer will have to question.  It is a life filled with positivity so much so that negativity becomes an anomaly.  Come on, you know it!  Most of your conversations, your interactions, your thoughts are steeped in the negative.  Directly behind that is the fear that you will be found out as a fraud.  It must be terrible to live that way.  Instead, come to the bright side; find the incredible good in this world.  Although you may want to express your gratitude, because that’s what happens when you live a life based in the positive, I am not asking for this.  I want you to be happy. I want you to be whole. I want you to have an abundance of love and connection with others in the way that serves you best.  I wish you all the best life and love and this glorious world has to offer.  Speaking as the target of more than one mean girl’s assaults what I say may seem suspect.  You can choose to trust it or not, but should you choose not to listen and open your heart, the primary loss will be yours although the wake of your destructive and hurtful behaviors will continue.  In time, you will find yourself surrounded by those exactly like you…and, in this, you will trust no one, not even yourself.  So come on…give what I have to say a chance.  Worst case, your most terrible fears will be proven true.  Best case, you will bring a beauty you can hardly imagine into your currently dissatisfying life.  Here goes…

 

Mean girls, I am so sorry you are afraid each and every day. I venture to guess that the pain inside you is so great you must inflict it on others just to get through your day. I am truly saddened by whatever experiences you have had which brought you to your current state of shitting on others and finding satisfaction and happiness in your cruelty.  Whatever experiences they were, you didn’t deserve them…at least not back when.


Please don’t mistake me for a saint; I most definitely am not.  Although I am coming to you from a place of compassion today I have certainly thought hateful things about you and, in all honesty, probably will again the next time I am attacked by one of your kind. I have hated you. I have despised you. I have wished you ill.  All of these thoughts were perceived retaliation for your declaration of battles and wars against one of the kindest people I know. Me.

 

But that's not where I am today. I feel compassion because only the greatest of traumas and a deep seated lack of confidence and self assurance would bring someone to act as you do. There is help and I encourage you to seek it. I know number of rehabilitated mean girls and they are some of the brightest happiest people on you can possibly imagine. I believe they shine so brightly because they know just how dark life's dark side can get.  They know how lonely it is to be in a crowd of fellow mean girls, none of which are trusted.  I believe rehabilitated mean girls are so happy because they know they have escaped a self-imposed prison as a result of a life of cruel and hateful behavior, for one gets what one gives and you have given so little good and doled out so much unkindness that you expect the same return.

 

The Golden Rule is foreign to you.  More accurately, it probably frightens the hell out of you.  If the Golden Rule advises that one should treat others as one would like others to treat oneself, the corollary to that is that if you have treated others unkindly and because you know you have doled out a generous portion of poison malice, your fear is that you will receive it back in kind.  I encourage you to draw a line today and let go of the past and make a living amend to the world by moving forward in kindness and humanity.  No, you can’t un-ring all the malicious bells you have rung. You can’t re-gather the feathers of contempt you have scattered, but you can change what you choose to do from this moment forward.  Here is your chance; run with it!

 

This is my hope for you.  Instead of going through life with that constant knot in your stomach and fermenting fire in your chest, consider an existence in which moving through life feels like immersing yourself in a pool of warm water surrounding you, enveloping you, and caressing you with love and benevolence.  Imagine a life in which you are no longer someone who is to be navigated around, avoided or defended against but you are someone to be embraced, respected, and truly admired.  At this moment, you may think you are admired, but I assure you it is fear you see in others, not respect.  Often perceived admiration is actually a thinly disguised fear for what you might do.  Most mean girls think they are admired, but trust me, that admiration is based in fear and not true respect. Go for the real deal, it's worth it.  That said, if being feared is your goal, however, by all means continue as you are. I suspect that is not the case, however.  Of the mean girls I have grown close to, none actually wanted to be feared.  In fact, most needed love more than most.  They needed to be understood, held safely, and allowed to rest and rejuvenate while someone kept watch over them and held the world at bay.  Safe.  I’d wager you want to feel safe and currently the only way you know how to feel safe is to keep others as far away from your heart as possible.  The precious few you let in quickly become enemies and, if you perceive they have mis-stepped, they are immediately deemed unsafe… It takes so very little for you to draw this conclusion because in your heart of hearts you believe everyone operates as you do.  You. Are. Wrong.  They don’t.  Period. 

 

I also want to tell that life’s playing field is far more level and you could possibly think. The non-mean girls have far more in common with you than you think.  No, we don’t mistreat others or see danger and suspicion at every corner, but we, too, are afraid, insecure, nervous, hurt, and damaged on some level. Those you treat unkindly or even cruelly are far less of a threat than you might imagine. It takes courage to change your course, but I encourage you to find a way to trust my words, give true kindness a try, and see what happens. I promise the results won’t be perfect, but they will surprise you all the same.

Mean girls, come to the light side. Rehabilitate yourself. Try kindheartedness. You'll be glad you did. 

Wishing you all my best,

 

Mk Michaels, 2015

 

Double Quote ~ Let it Go!

When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free. ~ Catherine Ponder

Oh the power of resentment!  Long ago, I spent a great deal of unproductive energy resenting others, whether for their words or actions.  My thought was that by resenting them it somehow made them more wrong and me more right.  In reality, holding onto these resentments barely affected anyone but me and, in this, it made my life much more difficult than it ever needed to be.  I was living and breathing negativity and allowing the poison which accompanies it to seep deeply into my soul.  In this state, it was not only difficult, if not impossible, to be truly happy and healthy in life, but I attracted other miserable and dysfunctional people into my world.  If you’ve ever spent appreciable time with a group of this type people, you know it is highly unlikely anyone will emerge from the association happier and healthier.  In fact, these type interactions tend to feed off themselves and become even bigger, uglier, and spread even more strife. 

Over time, and with the help of some wonderful and positive friends and a bucket of courage, I have learned how to let go of resentments and become a far happier person.  Am I Susie Pollyanna Sunshine each and every day?  No.  Am I happy more often than I am unhappy?  Absolutely!

Granted, we all have experiences or circumstances which can bring about some degree of resentment.  The trick, however, is not to dwell in it.  The way out of it for me is not allowing it to accumulate or, worse yet, splashing it about so others may take notice and join in the resentment party you I am hosting.   Trite as it sounds, I have to let it go.  I do whatever I must to move through the resentment to the other side.  I dissect it, figure out my part in contributing to the situation, make any apologies I should, forgive myself and whoever I believe has offended me, and I. Let. It. Go.   In this, not only do I find myself more calm and better able to handle other perceived offenses which come my way, but I find fewer of them and I am better able to decline to participate in the next resentment soiree I encounter. ~ Mk Michaels

Double Quote ~ Walking Away

 

There are some people who always seem angry and continuously look for conflict. Walk away from these people. The battle they're are fighting isn't with you, it's with themselves. ~ Unknown

 

Being someone who strives for continuous improvement to be a kinder person every day, and find ways to remove destructive conflicts from my life, I still am surprised by those who seek out conflict and prefer mean-spirited behavior over moving more gently through life. I used to think if I could be kind enough or gain true understanding of the demons which plague those who prefer to operate from a place of conflict, I could fix the situation. Although this approach can work in some circumstances, I have come to the conclusion this is not a unilateral truth. Some people carry such deep fear or anger in their bellies that they cannot comprehend or receive kindness for kindness' sake so being unkind and hurtful is the only way they can function.

 

Truth be told, I have never been much of a fighter, so instead of learning to fight well, my quest has been to learn to disagree respectfully and, in this, not subvert my important truths. More importantly though, I am learning how to simply walk away, turn the other cheek so to speak, but most importantly not engage in or respond to the pokes, prods, or passive-aggressive behavior I encounter from those who are battling within themselves. I will always be kind, but in setting healthy boundaries and calling a spade a spade, I have resigned from my prior role as a punching bag for the mean-spirited people of the world. ~ Mk Michaels

Double Quote ~ Two Facing Reality

It is funny how you're nice to my face. It's hilarious how you talk unkindly behind my back, and it is  downright comical you think I'm unaware. ~ Unknown

Don't mistake my grace and kindness for me being a fool. ~ Mk Michaels 

Double Quote ~ Judging ~ Don't!

When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself. ~ Wayne Dyer

Oh how harshly we can judge others at times!  We judge behaviors, appearances, parenting, opinions, decisions, possessions, and on and on and on.  We judge with such prejudice and are fully confident that we are ‘better’ than those we are judging.  Here is what I have learned though ~ virtually without exception, everything I have ever judged has come full circle to bite me in the ass.  When I was in my twenties and judged that mother at the grocery with the child who threw a kicking, screaming tantrum in the cereal aisle?  Guess what?  That was me in my thirties.  The woman who was struggling to balance her career and parenting ‘not doing a very good job of either’ who I judged in my thirties?  That was me in my forties.  Full circle, I tell you, full circle.  The reality is that as I was judging others, I had no clue what the reality of their life, their day, or that moment was like.  For shame…

Because I am much more capable of seeing beyond what meets the eye and giving others the benefit of the doubt at this stage in life, I am much slower to judge.  Instead of disparaging what I view as a lapse in judgment at work resulting in a bad outcome, I attempt to refocus the conversation and create a learning opportunity.  Instead of judging someone who spoke unkindly of me, I try to understand the underlying reasons for the bad behavior, typically fear or envy, and return it with compassion, light, and love.  Instead of staying mired down in the negative of a situation and even stirring the pot further, I endeavor to rise above and not add more to a bad situation.  In staying out of the judging fray, I believe I am not only doing less harm in the present time, but also limiting what could come full circle and bite me in the future.  By choosing to limit my judgment of others, I am also choosing kindness, compassion, a more gracious existence, and defining myself as someone I can be proud to be in front of my children, for they are always watching.  ~ Mk Michaels