The Missing Cipher

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Some days,

less and less frequently now,

I find myself

missing you,

or more accurately parts of you,

and yet having absolutely no desire,

to reunite,

at least not in our prior form.

Curiouser and curiouser.

 

The longing

for that which had proved untenable

time and time again

is such a strange bird.

She lights on my shoulder

from time to time

and I find myself stunned

by her presence.

I don’t want you,

so why miss you?

 

I am told

by those who know about such things

that I mourn

the idea of what I believed

could have been.

In this, I realize what I grieve

is really my own creation;

connection, laughter,

children, a deep knowing,

someone strong enough

to watch the cave door

so I could truly rest

for I am so weary.

 

Maybe it was all just smoke and mirrors?

 

Regardless, I miss you.

Or, more aptly, the parts of you

that made me feel safe, seen, and known.

I suspect you miss the same and then some

from within your unforgiving bunker

not realizing all you left at the table

when you threw it all away.

For there was a different,

and perhaps more fitting, permutation

of us we both could have benefitted from. 

 

It is all speculation though,

a puzzle without a solution,

a code which can’t be broken

for you hold half the pieces

and without the cipher torn in two so long ago,

this code can never be deciphered.

 

~ Mk Michaels, 2015

Departures

Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form. ~ Rumi

Today, my daughter returns to school following an all too brief visit home.  

She does not fully understand this, but her departures leave me hemorrhaging in a sense. My heart twists as I hug her goodbye at the airport security checkpoint. I hold my breath until I am out of her sight and, only then, allow the tears to flow and the deep sobs which sat in my gut all morning to rise. I am certain I look like a nut case in the airport,  but the truth is I don't care. Some things transcend public perception and this, saying goodbye to my beloved daughter time and again after so many other losses in such a short time, is one of them. So I give myself the luxurious permission to not give a damn  what stories others might speculate about me as I make my way back to my car, the car which only minutes before held my dearest child safely within it. 

My daughter will return soon enough, changed yet again, but loved all the more. This is a mother's lot, to let go and yet still celebrate the changed child which returns. ~ Mk Michaels 

Cresting the Hill

Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible - the kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family. ~ Virginia Satir

The past couple years have posed some incredibly daunting moments, but to see my children come together today at ages 19 and 15 years and truly want to spend time together is, without a doubt, one of the most gratifying maternal experiences of my life. Granted, my efforts as a parent are far from done, but they have crested the hill and I see the fruits of many years of listening, really listening, knowing my children well enough to read between their lines, sharing my experiences (yes, the good, the bad and the ugly), showing up every day even when I was tired in a bone crunching way, and making sure they knew they were, are, and will be loved and respected in all their past incarnations and the many incarnations to come.  To see that both my daughter and son have deep, deep roots and a wide wingspan which lifts them high lets me know that over the years their other mother and I have helped prepare them for their respective worlds and we couldn't wish for more for them. ~ Mk Michaels

Stop the Cycle

Let's raise children who won't have to recover from their childhoods. ~ Pam Leo
In spite of a relatively traumatic childhood, my mother did the best she could and there was no doubt she loved me in the best way she could.

Two things I remember her telling me as a child, (1) I should probably not have children because I would damage them and (2) if I chose to have children after all, I needed to go to Georgia Tech and get an engineering degree so I could support my children when my husband left me. As shocking as those bits of maternal advice were, I believe they helped make me a very intentional parent. Moreover, and even ironically, Mom couldn't have been more wrong on both counts.~ Mk Michaels

Carpe that Diem!

The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now. ~ Chinese Proverb 

Oh how the years fly by and how easy it is to look back at particular phases, situations, and moments with deep regret. Wishing I had acted with more courage in my youth, regretting I acted unkindly and selfishly for a time in my early forties, thinking back on a lifetime of being relatively sedentary and, therefore, less healthy than I could have been, knowing I could have read a few more books to my children when they were young enough to want me to read to them and, truth be told, wishing I hadn't skipped pages at bedtime story time when I was tired at the end of a day. The list goes on and on...or rather it could if I let it. 

Here's the thing though, in the here and now what's done is done. I did good and I did not so good in the past, but I can only affect and influence the now. Are there trees I wish I'd planted 20 teats ago? Sure. Is wishing I had going to change a darned thing about the fact that I didn't? Nope. 

So, today I plant trees, metaphorically speaking. I seize the moment and carpe the diem every chance I get. I courageously speak my mind when I need to. I am as generous and gracious as I can be. I make choices to help ensure my health for years, decades even, to come. Quite frankly, if my children will tolerate it, I'll even read some of their favorites childhood books to them. Yes, I am planting trees each and every day so that in 20 years I won't look back at those I regret not planting. ~ Mk Michaels

Setting Things Right

For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again. ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald

I suspect we have all had times when we realize our life has gone off track and we are living on a way which we never intended. Whether it be to live unkindly, immorally, or from a place of fear, the beauty of this life is that we almost always have the opportunity to make a change and not only change our life-trajectory, but make sincere and heartfelt amends to those we may have hurt along the way.

For example, when I was in college, I had a girlfriend who was a good person and in the course of ending our relationship, I was decidedly disrespectful and unkind. Although this may seem a relatively trivial thing, particularly thirty years after the fact, it bothered me into my adult years and while she may have moved past it, it was clear the unkind act had stuck with me. Ultimately, thanks to technology and the power of Google, I was able to track this woman down, make a sincere and humble apology, and set things as right as they could be. Since the

n, we have become friends of a sort. Most importantly, she knows that I know I behaved badly and I know I did my best to repair the damage I inflicted. I was not proud of my prior actions but found the courage to clear the air so a fresh start could be made.

Moreover, in living in such a way that I apologize when I err, I find I am less inclined to misstep, at least as far as where other's feelings are concerned. We can inflict damage in a thoughtless instant, but by making it a habit to set things right when we do, we can become more conscientious before we act and, in this, live a life we can we proud of. ~ Mk Michaels

Fire Within

 

 

This is dedicated to those, one in particular, who hurt so deeply but have incredible difficulty letting others in. May you find it within yourself to accept the love the world has to offer, the support you need and, in turn, peace.

 

 

 

 

 

I had a friend once. 

He hurt so much. 

He hurt so much but I couldn’t help. 

 

He was inside a house and that house was burning. 

There was nobody else around and I knew that I couldn’t go get any help. 

It would be too late then.

So I tried to go get him out.

 

But the doors and windows were all locked.

From the inside. 

 

He was pleading “Get me out! Get me out!”

but he wouldn’t unlock the doors or windows. 

 

I looked around for something to break the windows. 

There was nothing. 

So I tried to use my bare hands,

but the windows were too strong …

and too hot.

 

Still he wouldn’t let me in. 

He was afraid I would burn and die too. 

 

I hoped it was all just a bad dream

and I would wake up. 

But it wasn’t. 

And I didn’t. 

 

So all I could do was just stand and watch…while he burned. 

 

..but I…I wasn’t hurt.

 

~ FCHS students circa 1980, Where Am I Going? Who Should I Be?

That Blows!

Don't ever put your gum in a tissue and then blow your nose with that same tissue. ~ A dear and anonymous friend

Some days, in spite of our best efforts, we can't help but get in our own way. On those days, just pull the wad of gum out of your nostril, laugh about it, tell a few friends so they can laugh with you, and move onward. ~ Mk Michaels

October

I'm so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers. ~ L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables

October remains my favorite month in spite of the major life curveball it threw us a couple years back. ~ Mk  Michaels