I have never fit inside a box. I tried. At one point or another, I have squeezed my ample self into just about every box imaginable: the good girl box, the bad girl box (much shorter lived and wildly less successful than the good girl box), the wife box, the mommy box, the divorcee box, the post-divorce slut box, the corporate professional box, the earth mother box and on and on……… None were quite the right fit. I would constrict myself in each box only to feel unsuccessful, frustrated, and more than a little bit crazy. Most people I knew had boxes. A definition. A singular label which defined them. I wanted a box!
A box-less life is a frightening endeavor. All my friends were boxed. What was wrong with me that I couldn’t fit
comfortably in a single container? Why couldn’t
I find the right one for me? Was I
fickle and incapable of committing to a single box for fear I’d miss a better
box? Was I flighty in the same way overeager freshman girls can be, shamelessly
flirting with too many upperclassmen in a desperate attempt to avoid yet
another Friday night spent at home alone? Was I a frightening freak of nature
who defied the convenience of the labels our culture alternately inflicts and
embraces? In all the boxes I tried, I
was unable to find an easy resting place, a place to call home.
A box is perceived comfort and security. Labels
on those alluring boxes sent me in a scurry here and there to find something, anything that fit me. I spent a lot of time running. I ran toward the ideal of Barbie’s dream
house, the Leave it to Beaver picket
fence I thought should define the borders of my happiness, and the pinnacle of
self actualization on the mountain of Maslow’s hierarchy. At one point or another each of these seemed
to be the right answer. I also ran away from the terrifying prospect
of hiking through life solo, without a constant companion would lend me the
anesthesia of her companionship, her courage, dazzle, or sex appeal. My world was infused with so many ideas of
what I should and shouldn’t be. I should
be patient, tidy, kind, responsible, and smart.
I shouldn’t be impulsive, chaotic, cruel, whimsical, or too smart. In
trying to fit inside the conflicting messages of what I should and shouldn’t
be, I became a consummate people pleaser with virtually super-human abilities
to shape-shift, style-flex, and bring
pleasure to everyone I encountered…except
me. I was isolated in my unboxed
life and miserable.
To
be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make
you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being
can fight and never stop fighting. ~ E.E. Cummings
The courage to find your authentic self takes many
forms. Courage requires turning away
from the many messages preached by those who influence you; your parents,
peers, teachers, pastors, and the ever-present media of who you “should be”. It takes the audacity to take the life- script
written for you and editing it to suit what makes your heart sing, even to the
point of shredding it entirely and piecing together slices of scripted words to
create a daring new story It takes that mustard seed of faith to prove
you are less crazy than those who surround you, those espousing conventional
wisdoms, straitjackets in hand, ready to constrain you if your actions frighten
them. Courage is the sun’s knowledge she was born to rise every morning and
light our way in the world even if clouds may temporarily occlude her brilliance.
Courage is getting out of bed; getting dressed is a bonus. Other days, courage is sitting still even
when the act of stillness demands far more energy than taking action. Courageous
stillness shuts out noise, allowing silence to enter and alight alongside you,
reassuring you with its mirror of your tranquility. By sitting in stillness, courage can listen
to the silence and, with the cacophony of the world shut out, hear the messages
the wisdom the ages are sending you.
I sat still. I
listened. I heard. The silence spoke of
my own needs, peace, and journey. Although
it felt brutal at the time, the silence made it clear I was on another’s path
and not my own. In choosing my next
course, I knew I must choose to stop dying the slow death of pleasing others
and choose to live on my own path. In this, I appeared certifiably insane to
those who comprised my world at the time.
I leapt out of my poster-child “happy” marriage into a void.
I spent ten years falling, getting back
up, still in search for the special box labeled “Me.” I dug deep into my roots. I sought out and revisited my first love. It was glorious, exquisite and entirely
wrong. I climbed out of that magnificent
wreckage to make so many unexpected discoveries. I discovered I was terrified
of being alone. I discovered I had used
other’s bodies, vision, courage, and sparkle to fill the relentless emptiness
in my chest. I found the courage to be alone.
I found my own comfort. I learned to trust myself.
I developed a deep abiding relationship with the person I
had ignored for most of my life, me. I
found the courage to be unapologetically intelligent and no longer dumb myself
down. I found the courage to take the
risk of looking foolish in order to learn a new skill. I took salsa lessons and
looked silly for months, but didn’t care. I found the courage to ask for and
expect those I love to be physically close when I need it, whether the
physicality took the form of a hug, curling up side by side, making love, or
hard core fucking. I also found the
courage to ask for space when I wanted it so I could continue to be still and
hear the invaluable lessons silence brings.
In the course of attempting to define my box, even my
sexuality has run the gamut from being a self-proclaimed flaming heterosexual
in my early college years, to being exclusively lesbian for nearly three
decades, to choosing a man I believed
could be a ‘no strings / friend with privileges’ type relationship because I
was bitter and disgusted with love.
Ironically, I fell in love with that man and, in this, found I am not a
'no strings' type woman. After two years in the relationship that was never
supposed to be a relationship, we parted.
With my newfound courage, I knew I could be single and not melt into a
puddle of tragic goo.
I found the courage to be different from those around me,
often falling outside any of the norms imposed by their own concept of limits. I found the courage to seek out and do what
makes my heart sing; creating art from discarded paint-chipped window frames,
found beach glass and wood, and bits and pieces of stamps, pictures, tea boxes,
and other ephemera. I found the courage
to write prose and poetry outside my comfort zone and, in this, show my belly
and reference the ample body I have fought to hide my entire life. I found the courage to respectfully
acknowledge other’s opinions, but move on past them to find that which suits best
me even if others would deem it flighty, unpredictable, and inappropriate.
I found the courage to be me.
My authentic self is a good girl, a bad girl, a wife, a mommy,
the occasional slut, corporate professional, and an earth
mother all in one. I am a fortress, expertly crafted, protected and yet still open
to a whole world of experience and people.
I am embodied by a flexible, translucent, permeable membrane allowing me
to ebb and flow along with my desires. I can stand on the edge of a storm swept
cliff and yet still gently cup a handful of sand so as not to lose a single
grain. I am as blindingly beautiful as the sun, as
humble as a Buddhist monk, as gentle as a feather floating on the breeze, as
fearless as a lioness protecting her cubs, as flawed as a Kindergartener’s
penmanship, as perfect exactly as I am. No
single box could possibly define me. The
authentic me is the ultimate juxtaposition and I have stopped apologizing for
it.
I'm a bitch I'm a lover.
I'm a child I'm a mother
I'm a sinner I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
you know you wouldn't want it
any other way
~ Meredith Brooks and Shelly
Peiken
~ Mk Michaels, 2013
This article has appeared on Rebelle Society. http://www.rebellesociety.com/2013/11/29/the-courage-to-live-box-less-getting-outside-the-label-labyrinth/
Incredibly thought provoking and beautifully written. It speaks volumes to my own search for that perfect square box all along knowing I was perfectly round.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Patrick. I think we all try on a variety of hats, try to fit into boxes, and search for our authentic selves. In time and with diligence, we find a perfect fit. I am glad you found your round box...a hat box, perhaps? <3
ReplyDelete"There's a pink one, and a blue one, and a green one, and a yellow one...." Good stuff, MK!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Liz! I love the lyric ~ thank you for stopping by!
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ReplyDelete