Dear Mean Girls,
Please don’t look around the room as if you don’t know who I am
addressing. I am addressing you. Yes, you. Don’t worry though; this is not an
attack. I know you are wired to expect
the worst of people and, therefore, when someone calls you out, you go on the
defensive initially and, in short order, on the attack. That’s your mode and it must be exhausting. I am so sorry for the bone-crunching
exhaustion you must live in.
When I was younger my mother always told me that bullies were really afraid
just underneath their bully surface.
Being a well-behaved child, I took this as gospel. As an adult, I still believe this to be
true. I have been in close proximity to
more than one mean girl and have lived to tell.
I have experienced mean girls up close and personal and learned a bit
more about what makes them tick.
Although I have had periods of hurt, anger, and even rage at the acts
inflicted on me by both individuals and the collective group of mean girls, in
trying to find forgiveness for those who harmed me because that is the only way
they know, I have had an epiphany. Mean
girls, I want to share this with you in the hopes that if even one of you can
hear it and find a less destructive to move through life the sharing will have
been worthwhile.
Destruction? It may seem a strong
word, but turn around and take a good look at the wake you leave behind
you. Failed relationships. Family members who relate to you as much out
of fear as familial love. Faux
friendships which only skim the surface and don’t come anywhere close to
resembling a true and trusted alliance.
A string of people you have maligned, harmed, and cut out of your life
not because they were dreadful and wretched to you as is likely the story you
tell yourself and others, rather people you have carved out of your world because
they had the courage to stand up to you, if only in a moment. You have a million acquaintances, fair-weather
friends, but few, if any, actual soul friends.
You keep it light, close to the surface, and cannot go very deep in your
relationships for one main reason; fear.
This is where I am going to speak out and name something that will probably
offend you. I am going to call out a
dynamic in your life that you will likely want to and may very well be able to
dismiss entirely. It is my hope that
even just one of you mean girls will pause for a moment and consider what I am
about to say, for it is your story. It
is your truth. It is your ticket to a
life which is richer and fuller than any you can possibly imagine from your
fear-bunker. It is your path to a life which
includes deep and meaningful relationships with people whose motivations and
agendas you no longer will have to question.
It is a life filled with positivity so much so that negativity becomes an
anomaly. Come on, you know it! Most
of your conversations, your interactions, your thoughts are steeped in the
negative. Directly behind that is the
fear that you will be found out as a fraud.
It must be terrible to live that way.
Instead, come to the bright side; find the incredible good in this
world. Although you may want to express
your gratitude, because that’s what happens when you live a life based in the
positive, I am not asking for this. I
want you to be happy. I want you to be whole. I want you to have an abundance
of love and connection with others in the way that serves you best. I wish you all the best life and love and
this glorious world has to offer. Speaking
as the target of more than one mean girl’s assaults what I say may seem suspect. You can choose to trust it or not, but should
you choose not to listen and open your heart, the primary loss will be yours
although the wake of your destructive and hurtful behaviors will continue. In time, you will find yourself surrounded by
those exactly like you…and, in this,
you will trust no one, not even yourself.
So come on…give what I have to say a chance. Worst case, your most terrible fears will be
proven true. Best case, you will bring a
beauty you can hardly imagine into your currently dissatisfying life. Here goes…
Mean girls, I am so sorry you are afraid each and every day. I venture
to guess that the pain inside you is so great you must inflict it on others just
to get through your day. I am truly saddened by whatever experiences you have had
which brought you to your current state of shitting on others and finding
satisfaction and happiness in your cruelty.
Whatever experiences they were, you didn’t deserve them…at least not
back when.
Please don’t mistake me for a saint; I most definitely am not. Although I am coming to you from a place of
compassion today I have certainly thought hateful things about you and, in all
honesty, probably will again the next time I am attacked by one of your kind. I
have hated you. I have despised you. I have wished you ill. All of these thoughts were perceived retaliation
for your declaration of battles and wars against one of the kindest people I
know. Me.
But that's not where I am today. I feel compassion because only the
greatest of traumas and a deep seated lack of confidence and self assurance
would bring someone to act as you do. There is help and I encourage you to seek
it. I know number of rehabilitated mean girls and they are some of the
brightest happiest people on you can possibly imagine. I believe they shine so
brightly because they know just how dark life's dark side can get. They know how lonely it is to be in a crowd
of fellow mean girls, none of which are trusted. I believe rehabilitated mean girls are so
happy because they know they have escaped a self-imposed prison as a result of a
life of cruel and hateful behavior, for one gets what one gives and you have
given so little good and doled out so much unkindness that you expect the same return.
The Golden Rule is foreign to you.
More accurately, it probably frightens the hell out of you. If the Golden Rule advises that one should
treat others as one would like others to treat oneself, the corollary to that is
that if you have treated others unkindly and because you know you have doled out a generous portion of poison malice, your
fear is that you will receive it back in kind.
I encourage you to draw a line today and let go of the past and make a
living amend to the world by moving forward in kindness and humanity. No, you can’t un-ring all the malicious bells
you have rung. You can’t re-gather the feathers of contempt you have scattered,
but you can change what you choose to do from this moment forward. Here is your chance; run with it!
This is my hope for you. Instead
of going through life with that constant knot in your stomach and fermenting fire
in your chest, consider an existence in which moving through life feels like
immersing yourself in a pool of warm water surrounding you, enveloping you, and
caressing you with love and benevolence. Imagine a life in which you are no longer someone
who is to be navigated around, avoided or defended against but you are someone
to be embraced, respected, and truly admired. At this moment, you may think you are admired,
but I assure you it is fear you see in others, not respect. Often perceived admiration is actually a thinly
disguised fear for what you might do. Most
mean girls think they are admired, but trust me, that admiration is based in
fear and not true respect. Go for the real deal, it's worth it. That said, if being feared is your goal,
however, by all means continue as you are. I suspect that is not the case,
however. Of the mean girls I have grown
close to, none actually wanted to be feared.
In fact, most needed love more than most. They needed to be understood, held safely, and
allowed to rest and rejuvenate while someone kept watch over them and held the
world at bay. Safe. I’d wager you want to feel safe and currently
the only way you know how to feel safe is to keep others as far away from your
heart as possible. The precious few you
let in quickly become enemies and, if you perceive they have mis-stepped, they
are immediately deemed unsafe… It takes so very little for you to draw this conclusion
because in your heart of hearts you believe everyone operates as you do. You.
Are. Wrong. They don’t. Period.
I also want to tell that life’s playing field is far more level and you could
possibly think. The non-mean girls have far more in common with you than you
think. No, we don’t mistreat others or
see danger and suspicion at every corner, but we, too, are afraid, insecure,
nervous, hurt, and damaged on some level. Those you treat unkindly or even cruelly
are far less of a threat than you might imagine. It takes courage to change
your course, but I encourage you to find a way to trust my words, give true kindness
a try, and see what happens. I promise the results won’t be perfect, but they
will surprise you all the same.
