Ripped Unawares

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Plugging along for the past couple years

Showing up each and every day
     for my kids
     for our pets

     for work
     for my home
     for friends
     for my lover
     for strangers even

I showed up because that’s what I do

I showed up in spite of

     bone-crunching fatigue
     daunting obstacles
     too many comings and goings
     losses over and above the initial loss
     unexpectedly being in the crosshairs of malice
     shoulders hunched with the burden of sole responsibility

I perfected my ability to flip between

sobbing and smiling brightly
in an instant
for the sake of other’s comfort
I got good at it
showing up
smiling, and even believing myself healed
except I wasn’t

I’d not really grieved
because it was unacceptable
to me and
to the one I held most closely
Sure, a nightmare here or there
A couple episodes of crying
with an audience perceived to be trusted
but, by and large,
I didn’t grieve
I just didn’t
 
Until now
and what a toll it has taken
I am spent
flayed, my skin raw
every fiber of my being torn
shredded
the ineffective band-aid unexpectedly
ripped away
I am hemorrhaging

Rolling up my sleeves

I turn to face that
which I thought was done
and begin yet again

 

~ Mk Michaels