Some days,
less and less frequently now,
I find myself
missing you,
or more accurately parts of
you,
and yet having absolutely no desire,
to reunite,
at least not in our prior form.
Curiouser and curiouser.
The longing
for that which had proved untenable
time and time again
is such a strange bird.
She lights on my shoulder
from time to time
and I find myself stunned
by her presence.
I don’t want you,
so why miss you?
I am told
by those who know about such things
that I mourn
the idea of what I believed
could have been.
In this, I realize what I grieve
is really my own creation;
connection, laughter,
children, a deep knowing,
someone strong enough
to watch the cave door
so I could truly rest
for I am so weary.
Maybe it was all just smoke and mirrors?
Regardless, I miss you.
Or, more aptly, the parts of you
that made me feel safe, seen, and known.
I suspect you miss the same and then some
from within your unforgiving bunker
not realizing all you left at the table
when you threw it all away.
For there was a different,
and perhaps more fitting, permutation
of us we both could have benefitted from.
a puzzle without a solution,
a code which can’t be broken
for you hold half the pieces
and without the cipher torn in two so long ago,
this code can never be deciphered.
~ Mk Michaels, 2015
